I'm interrupting these non-regularly scheduled posts to bring something to the table which is sorely needed in the world of dating and relationships--a How To guide. What's the point in knowing who all these men are if you don't have a game plan? And if you're one of the men detailed so far? Listen up. Take notes. Ink this on your forearm. This time I'm going to do something a little different, however, and let this one apply to everybody, even the straight boys who read this. Nay, ESPECIALLY the straight boys. After all, they're just as likely to be in need of advice when it comes to this stuff as the women and men who are gay in my life. Let us begin...
The First Date:
Ah yes, that special time in a not-yet existent relationship which everyone must experience. And loathe. First dates, while fun at first, get old FAST. They begin to feel like job interviews and you wind up wearing the same outfit and telling the same stories at the same bars/restaurants/whathaveyou and you start to wonder if it's even worth going through the effort. How many times can a guy spill his drink on you or make a clumsy uninvited pass before you hang it all up and say the hell with it? But alas, it's a right of passage we must all endure to get to the good stuff. Sort of like dealing with the cork in a bottle of wine...or celery in a bloody mary.
Tips for the First Date:
Wear something comfortable that you've worn before--you'll know you look good and won't have to deal with any surprise wardrobe malfunctions throughout the night.
Stay versatile--if you're going on a day-date, don't wear heels or a tie because you never know when a random hike will occur. Though a tie could come in handy should snakebites happen...Also, if your date is wearing something obviously unsuitable for an adventure, do not even bring up the considered activity, immediately change course and find something more appropriate without making the person feel bad.
Manners--you've either got them or you don't. If you don't, get thee to a library and pick up some Emily Post, stat.
Be considerate--this is different from manners. Being considerate means thinking about their dietary, travel, time constraints, etc. If you know your date is coming from across the city and is allergic to shellfish, do not make them come all the way to you and then take them out for oysters.
Don't try out new material--if you're wondering if a joke will be offensive or your actions could be misinterpreted on a first date, it's best to let it lie until at least the next time out. Otherwise, there will probably be no "next time."
Ask questions--everyone likes to talk about themselves, so encourage the conversation by actually listening and asking your date to expand on something they've said. And if you find yourself doing all the asking, volunteer some information about yourself to get the proverbial ball rolling.
Relax--everyone is anxious on a first date. It's awkward and weird and somewhat uncomfortable and you're trying to be on your best-behavior, but if you don't let yourself shine through, what's the point? They'll just be getting to know the you that's only around on rare, first-datesque occasions. Besides, the more you let yourself be at ease the more the person you're out with will unwind as well, just making things that much more tickety boo all-around.
Dating:
So you've made it past the first date and you actually want to be in a room with this person again--mazel tov! In fact, by this point you've probably been on several dates and actually want to make this "hanging out" thing a regular occurrence. This lovely honeymoon period is full of fun, butterflies and still a bit of lingering awkwardness. It's when you find out how well you mesh with this person, if the attraction is more than skin-deep, and if you could see yourself introducing them to your hyper-critical friends and slightly neurotic side. Now is when it starts getting a bit more interesting...
Get creative--explore your options for date activities. You're not limited to movies and martinis anymore, so branch out and find something else that's fun to do. Know your date likes the beach? Grab a couple pails and shovels and hit the sand for a hole-digging contest. Explore a part of the city you've never visited, go geo-caching, play skeeball, get lost in a museum. The possibilities are endless and just because something isn't part of your usual routine, doesn't mean you won't enjoy yourself.
Keep asking questions--the more time you spend with someone the more trust will develop, and once you've started earning those stripes try expanding your conversations to deeper, more hidden-realms. If you can share your embarrassing moments, times of emotional trial and personal philosophies and neither party bolts in the night it's usually a very good sign.
Be open and straightforward--this isn't about asking questions, per se, it's more about staying on the same page in terms of expectations. If you're out dating other people and don't see yourself changing that, let your date know. If you aren't feeling the partnership vibe with this person, tell them. And if you want something more from the situation, you should also be okay letting that out into the open, too. This is about respecting feelings, both theirs and yours.
Use condoms--seriously. Unless you've reached that point where you know you're exclusive and won't be giving or receiving any unwelcome gifts, do everyone a favor and wrap it up.
Be romantic--this is such an oft overlooked area that is so easily addressed! I'm not talking about sending them flowers every week or buying them gifts or planning out each and every detail of a date--I'm talking about doing or saying things to make this special person in your life actually FEEL special. You may think you've said it a hundred times, but an "I love your smile" or "I'm so happy to be with you" will never get old if you mean it. You don't have to get sappy and you don't have to drop bills to bring a bit of romance into your relationship, just make an effort however you can, because truly, it really is the thought that counts. A short hand-written note wishing them a good day, a brown bag picnic with their favorite food, an unasked for massage, ANYTHING from "The Romantic" entry--the list goes on forever. If you're with this person you like them and want to make them feel all those nice warm and fuzzies on the inside, right? So DO IT. And even if you manage to lock this fantastic person down, don't stop--as one good, engaged, friend of mine said, "wooing never ends, no matter where you're at in the relationship, making her happy makes me happy so we both win." Le sigh et swoon.
Join us next time as we delve into the dirty sock-strewn underbelly of the world of relationships....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Player
Getsaround Alotius
He's smooth, he's suave and he's got a bevy of women he's juggling--he's The Player. He always knows exactly what to say to make you feel at ease and he'll make all the right moves, but that's only because he's got metric crap-tons of practice. Beware the man with the sweet smile and silver tongue, he is absolutely up to no good.
What to Expect:
The worst. No, seriously. This guy is nothing but trouble and if you encounter him run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can. If need-be, grab a cab. The problem is that he'll probably follow, because The Player likes a chase. He enjoys a good challenge every now and then. You see, he's so used to getting by successfully on his good looks and witty charm that he just can't fail most of the time. But even if the cad manages to catch up with you, just keep on walking, because you're going to be so much better off without him in your life. He will do everything in his power to make you feel special, might even emulate The Romantic a bit, only you'll be able to tell the difference because it will come in fits and spurts and seem very store-bought, very artificial. You'll notice he'll refer to you as "baby" or some other trite nickname instead of using your own; he'll make plans and then cancel them right beforehand or will try to schedule something at the last minute because he's suddenly free; he'll say he's never done "something like this" before and convince you he's being sincere when really he's just reciting the same old lines he did last week. You'll begin to wonder about all of this after about the first week or so, but you'll attempt to brush it aside as him being busy or aloof. You'll find yourself making excuses for him. You'll try to rationalize and justify all his faults, slights and character flaws, but deep down inside you'll realize that you're just covering for someone who's (God/Jeebus/Vishnu/Gloria Steinam help me) "just not that into you." Ladies, take note: if a guy is, to quote Mr. Hammer, "Legit," he will prove himself to be as such. If he's not willing or capable of doing so, he doesn't deserve you. And this guy doesn't even deserve to be the gum stuck to the bottom of your knee-high stiletto boots. We women aren't toys and we aren't a dime-a-dozen, so don't you dare let him treat you as such.
He's smooth, he's suave and he's got a bevy of women he's juggling--he's The Player. He always knows exactly what to say to make you feel at ease and he'll make all the right moves, but that's only because he's got metric crap-tons of practice. Beware the man with the sweet smile and silver tongue, he is absolutely up to no good.
What to Expect:
The worst. No, seriously. This guy is nothing but trouble and if you encounter him run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can. If need-be, grab a cab. The problem is that he'll probably follow, because The Player likes a chase. He enjoys a good challenge every now and then. You see, he's so used to getting by successfully on his good looks and witty charm that he just can't fail most of the time. But even if the cad manages to catch up with you, just keep on walking, because you're going to be so much better off without him in your life. He will do everything in his power to make you feel special, might even emulate The Romantic a bit, only you'll be able to tell the difference because it will come in fits and spurts and seem very store-bought, very artificial. You'll notice he'll refer to you as "baby" or some other trite nickname instead of using your own; he'll make plans and then cancel them right beforehand or will try to schedule something at the last minute because he's suddenly free; he'll say he's never done "something like this" before and convince you he's being sincere when really he's just reciting the same old lines he did last week. You'll begin to wonder about all of this after about the first week or so, but you'll attempt to brush it aside as him being busy or aloof. You'll find yourself making excuses for him. You'll try to rationalize and justify all his faults, slights and character flaws, but deep down inside you'll realize that you're just covering for someone who's (God/Jeebus/Vishnu/Gloria Steinam help me) "just not that into you." Ladies, take note: if a guy is, to quote Mr. Hammer, "Legit," he will prove himself to be as such. If he's not willing or capable of doing so, he doesn't deserve you. And this guy doesn't even deserve to be the gum stuck to the bottom of your knee-high stiletto boots. We women aren't toys and we aren't a dime-a-dozen, so don't you dare let him treat you as such.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Romantic
It was brought to my attention recently that all of my posts seem to have a rather negative slant about the men involved. To which I say, absolutely--if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with these boys this blog wouldn't exist except for one entry of "Mr. Right." However, to show that a) not all dating experiences are automatically awful, and b) to at least let it be known that I'm not a completely spiteful bitch, I will throw the good guys a bone. And also put up a post.
The Romantic
Passionatious Affectionatium
Say it with me now, folks--"siiiiiiiiiiigh." The Romantic is the man who will sweep you off your feet with not only words, but actions as well. And he'll do it not because it's expected or because he's lives in a world of cliches, but simply because he likes making you that happy. One of the rarest forms of the male species, The Romantic is a difficult find due to the obvious high demand. Once you find this guy, you're going to be hard-pressed to let him go.
What to Expect:
The Romantic is not easily identified by sight, but through experience--because let's face it, anyone can say nice things, but only those who back it up with actions are taken seriously. You'll begin to recognize him by the fact that he'll reach to take your hand in public, offer to bring back tea on a coffee run (because he knows you don't drink coffee), and pretty much put all the time and energy necessary to go out of his way to do something special for you. The trick is that whatever he does, it's tailored specifically for you. He doesn't send a dozen roses because that's "what you do" --he'll send a bouquet of purple irises, white calla lilies and peach roses because he's learned that's your favorite. He'll text or email just to say "hello" and see how your day is going because he ACTUALLY CARES HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING (and he knows you hate talking on the phone). He's a master of the written language and actually enjoys taking the time to write a sweet-nothing filled letter by hand, even if his hand-writing isn't quite up to par. (And when it is? Make sure you take a seat before opening). Physically he's a very attentive lover, who always makes you a priority. There will be soft caresses on your face, he'll lightly brush your hair out of your eyes and initiate back-rubs without you even having to ask. The compliments will be free and easy, a (non-vomit inducing) pet-name may even be given and he'll make sure you always have cab fare home (the more advanced Romantic will even text to make sure you got in okay). So why would anyone ever give up this shining example, this man among guys? Good question. For some it's a fear of vulnerability, of suddenly wanting to open up so quickly and easily with one's emotions; others it's being caught off-guard by someone so sweet and affectionate that surely there's GOT to be a catch; a few even become so used to this treatment from their significant other that they begin to take it for granted. For me? I think it's a combination of all three--and what a potent and bitter-tasting concoction it is! So learn from my mistakes on this one, friends. If you find yourself in the company of The Romantic, cancel your online-dating subscriptions, change your Facebook status to "In A Relationship" and hold on tight because this guy is about to redefine your idea of what dating is supposed to be like, and once you've gone there, there's no going back.
The Romantic
Passionatious Affectionatium
Say it with me now, folks--"siiiiiiiiiiigh." The Romantic is the man who will sweep you off your feet with not only words, but actions as well. And he'll do it not because it's expected or because he's lives in a world of cliches, but simply because he likes making you that happy. One of the rarest forms of the male species, The Romantic is a difficult find due to the obvious high demand. Once you find this guy, you're going to be hard-pressed to let him go.
What to Expect:
The Romantic is not easily identified by sight, but through experience--because let's face it, anyone can say nice things, but only those who back it up with actions are taken seriously. You'll begin to recognize him by the fact that he'll reach to take your hand in public, offer to bring back tea on a coffee run (because he knows you don't drink coffee), and pretty much put all the time and energy necessary to go out of his way to do something special for you. The trick is that whatever he does, it's tailored specifically for you. He doesn't send a dozen roses because that's "what you do" --he'll send a bouquet of purple irises, white calla lilies and peach roses because he's learned that's your favorite. He'll text or email just to say "hello" and see how your day is going because he ACTUALLY CARES HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING (and he knows you hate talking on the phone). He's a master of the written language and actually enjoys taking the time to write a sweet-nothing filled letter by hand, even if his hand-writing isn't quite up to par. (And when it is? Make sure you take a seat before opening). Physically he's a very attentive lover, who always makes you a priority. There will be soft caresses on your face, he'll lightly brush your hair out of your eyes and initiate back-rubs without you even having to ask. The compliments will be free and easy, a (non-vomit inducing) pet-name may even be given and he'll make sure you always have cab fare home (the more advanced Romantic will even text to make sure you got in okay). So why would anyone ever give up this shining example, this man among guys? Good question. For some it's a fear of vulnerability, of suddenly wanting to open up so quickly and easily with one's emotions; others it's being caught off-guard by someone so sweet and affectionate that surely there's GOT to be a catch; a few even become so used to this treatment from their significant other that they begin to take it for granted. For me? I think it's a combination of all three--and what a potent and bitter-tasting concoction it is! So learn from my mistakes on this one, friends. If you find yourself in the company of The Romantic, cancel your online-dating subscriptions, change your Facebook status to "In A Relationship" and hold on tight because this guy is about to redefine your idea of what dating is supposed to be like, and once you've gone there, there's no going back.
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