I'm interrupting these non-regularly scheduled posts to bring something to the table which is sorely needed in the world of dating and relationships--a How To guide. What's the point in knowing who all these men are if you don't have a game plan? And if you're one of the men detailed so far? Listen up. Take notes. Ink this on your forearm. This time I'm going to do something a little different, however, and let this one apply to everybody, even the straight boys who read this. Nay, ESPECIALLY the straight boys. After all, they're just as likely to be in need of advice when it comes to this stuff as the women and men who are gay in my life. Let us begin...
The First Date:
Ah yes, that special time in a not-yet existent relationship which everyone must experience. And loathe. First dates, while fun at first, get old FAST. They begin to feel like job interviews and you wind up wearing the same outfit and telling the same stories at the same bars/restaurants/whathaveyou and you start to wonder if it's even worth going through the effort. How many times can a guy spill his drink on you or make a clumsy uninvited pass before you hang it all up and say the hell with it? But alas, it's a right of passage we must all endure to get to the good stuff. Sort of like dealing with the cork in a bottle of wine...or celery in a bloody mary.
Tips for the First Date:
Wear something comfortable that you've worn before--you'll know you look good and won't have to deal with any surprise wardrobe malfunctions throughout the night.
Stay versatile--if you're going on a day-date, don't wear heels or a tie because you never know when a random hike will occur. Though a tie could come in handy should snakebites happen...Also, if your date is wearing something obviously unsuitable for an adventure, do not even bring up the considered activity, immediately change course and find something more appropriate without making the person feel bad.
Manners--you've either got them or you don't. If you don't, get thee to a library and pick up some Emily Post, stat.
Be considerate--this is different from manners. Being considerate means thinking about their dietary, travel, time constraints, etc. If you know your date is coming from across the city and is allergic to shellfish, do not make them come all the way to you and then take them out for oysters.
Don't try out new material--if you're wondering if a joke will be offensive or your actions could be misinterpreted on a first date, it's best to let it lie until at least the next time out. Otherwise, there will probably be no "next time."
Ask questions--everyone likes to talk about themselves, so encourage the conversation by actually listening and asking your date to expand on something they've said. And if you find yourself doing all the asking, volunteer some information about yourself to get the proverbial ball rolling.
Relax--everyone is anxious on a first date. It's awkward and weird and somewhat uncomfortable and you're trying to be on your best-behavior, but if you don't let yourself shine through, what's the point? They'll just be getting to know the you that's only around on rare, first-datesque occasions. Besides, the more you let yourself be at ease the more the person you're out with will unwind as well, just making things that much more tickety boo all-around.
Dating:
So you've made it past the first date and you actually want to be in a room with this person again--mazel tov! In fact, by this point you've probably been on several dates and actually want to make this "hanging out" thing a regular occurrence. This lovely honeymoon period is full of fun, butterflies and still a bit of lingering awkwardness. It's when you find out how well you mesh with this person, if the attraction is more than skin-deep, and if you could see yourself introducing them to your hyper-critical friends and slightly neurotic side. Now is when it starts getting a bit more interesting...
Get creative--explore your options for date activities. You're not limited to movies and martinis anymore, so branch out and find something else that's fun to do. Know your date likes the beach? Grab a couple pails and shovels and hit the sand for a hole-digging contest. Explore a part of the city you've never visited, go geo-caching, play skeeball, get lost in a museum. The possibilities are endless and just because something isn't part of your usual routine, doesn't mean you won't enjoy yourself.
Keep asking questions--the more time you spend with someone the more trust will develop, and once you've started earning those stripes try expanding your conversations to deeper, more hidden-realms. If you can share your embarrassing moments, times of emotional trial and personal philosophies and neither party bolts in the night it's usually a very good sign.
Be open and straightforward--this isn't about asking questions, per se, it's more about staying on the same page in terms of expectations. If you're out dating other people and don't see yourself changing that, let your date know. If you aren't feeling the partnership vibe with this person, tell them. And if you want something more from the situation, you should also be okay letting that out into the open, too. This is about respecting feelings, both theirs and yours.
Use condoms--seriously. Unless you've reached that point where you know you're exclusive and won't be giving or receiving any unwelcome gifts, do everyone a favor and wrap it up.
Be romantic--this is such an oft overlooked area that is so easily addressed! I'm not talking about sending them flowers every week or buying them gifts or planning out each and every detail of a date--I'm talking about doing or saying things to make this special person in your life actually FEEL special. You may think you've said it a hundred times, but an "I love your smile" or "I'm so happy to be with you" will never get old if you mean it. You don't have to get sappy and you don't have to drop bills to bring a bit of romance into your relationship, just make an effort however you can, because truly, it really is the thought that counts. A short hand-written note wishing them a good day, a brown bag picnic with their favorite food, an unasked for massage, ANYTHING from "The Romantic" entry--the list goes on forever. If you're with this person you like them and want to make them feel all those nice warm and fuzzies on the inside, right? So DO IT. And even if you manage to lock this fantastic person down, don't stop--as one good, engaged, friend of mine said, "wooing never ends, no matter where you're at in the relationship, making her happy makes me happy so we both win." Le sigh et swoon.
Join us next time as we delve into the dirty sock-strewn underbelly of the world of relationships....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Player
Getsaround Alotius
He's smooth, he's suave and he's got a bevy of women he's juggling--he's The Player. He always knows exactly what to say to make you feel at ease and he'll make all the right moves, but that's only because he's got metric crap-tons of practice. Beware the man with the sweet smile and silver tongue, he is absolutely up to no good.
What to Expect:
The worst. No, seriously. This guy is nothing but trouble and if you encounter him run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can. If need-be, grab a cab. The problem is that he'll probably follow, because The Player likes a chase. He enjoys a good challenge every now and then. You see, he's so used to getting by successfully on his good looks and witty charm that he just can't fail most of the time. But even if the cad manages to catch up with you, just keep on walking, because you're going to be so much better off without him in your life. He will do everything in his power to make you feel special, might even emulate The Romantic a bit, only you'll be able to tell the difference because it will come in fits and spurts and seem very store-bought, very artificial. You'll notice he'll refer to you as "baby" or some other trite nickname instead of using your own; he'll make plans and then cancel them right beforehand or will try to schedule something at the last minute because he's suddenly free; he'll say he's never done "something like this" before and convince you he's being sincere when really he's just reciting the same old lines he did last week. You'll begin to wonder about all of this after about the first week or so, but you'll attempt to brush it aside as him being busy or aloof. You'll find yourself making excuses for him. You'll try to rationalize and justify all his faults, slights and character flaws, but deep down inside you'll realize that you're just covering for someone who's (God/Jeebus/Vishnu/Gloria Steinam help me) "just not that into you." Ladies, take note: if a guy is, to quote Mr. Hammer, "Legit," he will prove himself to be as such. If he's not willing or capable of doing so, he doesn't deserve you. And this guy doesn't even deserve to be the gum stuck to the bottom of your knee-high stiletto boots. We women aren't toys and we aren't a dime-a-dozen, so don't you dare let him treat you as such.
He's smooth, he's suave and he's got a bevy of women he's juggling--he's The Player. He always knows exactly what to say to make you feel at ease and he'll make all the right moves, but that's only because he's got metric crap-tons of practice. Beware the man with the sweet smile and silver tongue, he is absolutely up to no good.
What to Expect:
The worst. No, seriously. This guy is nothing but trouble and if you encounter him run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can. If need-be, grab a cab. The problem is that he'll probably follow, because The Player likes a chase. He enjoys a good challenge every now and then. You see, he's so used to getting by successfully on his good looks and witty charm that he just can't fail most of the time. But even if the cad manages to catch up with you, just keep on walking, because you're going to be so much better off without him in your life. He will do everything in his power to make you feel special, might even emulate The Romantic a bit, only you'll be able to tell the difference because it will come in fits and spurts and seem very store-bought, very artificial. You'll notice he'll refer to you as "baby" or some other trite nickname instead of using your own; he'll make plans and then cancel them right beforehand or will try to schedule something at the last minute because he's suddenly free; he'll say he's never done "something like this" before and convince you he's being sincere when really he's just reciting the same old lines he did last week. You'll begin to wonder about all of this after about the first week or so, but you'll attempt to brush it aside as him being busy or aloof. You'll find yourself making excuses for him. You'll try to rationalize and justify all his faults, slights and character flaws, but deep down inside you'll realize that you're just covering for someone who's (God/Jeebus/Vishnu/Gloria Steinam help me) "just not that into you." Ladies, take note: if a guy is, to quote Mr. Hammer, "Legit," he will prove himself to be as such. If he's not willing or capable of doing so, he doesn't deserve you. And this guy doesn't even deserve to be the gum stuck to the bottom of your knee-high stiletto boots. We women aren't toys and we aren't a dime-a-dozen, so don't you dare let him treat you as such.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Romantic
It was brought to my attention recently that all of my posts seem to have a rather negative slant about the men involved. To which I say, absolutely--if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with these boys this blog wouldn't exist except for one entry of "Mr. Right." However, to show that a) not all dating experiences are automatically awful, and b) to at least let it be known that I'm not a completely spiteful bitch, I will throw the good guys a bone. And also put up a post.
The Romantic
Passionatious Affectionatium
Say it with me now, folks--"siiiiiiiiiiigh." The Romantic is the man who will sweep you off your feet with not only words, but actions as well. And he'll do it not because it's expected or because he's lives in a world of cliches, but simply because he likes making you that happy. One of the rarest forms of the male species, The Romantic is a difficult find due to the obvious high demand. Once you find this guy, you're going to be hard-pressed to let him go.
What to Expect:
The Romantic is not easily identified by sight, but through experience--because let's face it, anyone can say nice things, but only those who back it up with actions are taken seriously. You'll begin to recognize him by the fact that he'll reach to take your hand in public, offer to bring back tea on a coffee run (because he knows you don't drink coffee), and pretty much put all the time and energy necessary to go out of his way to do something special for you. The trick is that whatever he does, it's tailored specifically for you. He doesn't send a dozen roses because that's "what you do" --he'll send a bouquet of purple irises, white calla lilies and peach roses because he's learned that's your favorite. He'll text or email just to say "hello" and see how your day is going because he ACTUALLY CARES HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING (and he knows you hate talking on the phone). He's a master of the written language and actually enjoys taking the time to write a sweet-nothing filled letter by hand, even if his hand-writing isn't quite up to par. (And when it is? Make sure you take a seat before opening). Physically he's a very attentive lover, who always makes you a priority. There will be soft caresses on your face, he'll lightly brush your hair out of your eyes and initiate back-rubs without you even having to ask. The compliments will be free and easy, a (non-vomit inducing) pet-name may even be given and he'll make sure you always have cab fare home (the more advanced Romantic will even text to make sure you got in okay). So why would anyone ever give up this shining example, this man among guys? Good question. For some it's a fear of vulnerability, of suddenly wanting to open up so quickly and easily with one's emotions; others it's being caught off-guard by someone so sweet and affectionate that surely there's GOT to be a catch; a few even become so used to this treatment from their significant other that they begin to take it for granted. For me? I think it's a combination of all three--and what a potent and bitter-tasting concoction it is! So learn from my mistakes on this one, friends. If you find yourself in the company of The Romantic, cancel your online-dating subscriptions, change your Facebook status to "In A Relationship" and hold on tight because this guy is about to redefine your idea of what dating is supposed to be like, and once you've gone there, there's no going back.
The Romantic
Passionatious Affectionatium
Say it with me now, folks--"siiiiiiiiiiigh." The Romantic is the man who will sweep you off your feet with not only words, but actions as well. And he'll do it not because it's expected or because he's lives in a world of cliches, but simply because he likes making you that happy. One of the rarest forms of the male species, The Romantic is a difficult find due to the obvious high demand. Once you find this guy, you're going to be hard-pressed to let him go.
What to Expect:
The Romantic is not easily identified by sight, but through experience--because let's face it, anyone can say nice things, but only those who back it up with actions are taken seriously. You'll begin to recognize him by the fact that he'll reach to take your hand in public, offer to bring back tea on a coffee run (because he knows you don't drink coffee), and pretty much put all the time and energy necessary to go out of his way to do something special for you. The trick is that whatever he does, it's tailored specifically for you. He doesn't send a dozen roses because that's "what you do" --he'll send a bouquet of purple irises, white calla lilies and peach roses because he's learned that's your favorite. He'll text or email just to say "hello" and see how your day is going because he ACTUALLY CARES HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING (and he knows you hate talking on the phone). He's a master of the written language and actually enjoys taking the time to write a sweet-nothing filled letter by hand, even if his hand-writing isn't quite up to par. (And when it is? Make sure you take a seat before opening). Physically he's a very attentive lover, who always makes you a priority. There will be soft caresses on your face, he'll lightly brush your hair out of your eyes and initiate back-rubs without you even having to ask. The compliments will be free and easy, a (non-vomit inducing) pet-name may even be given and he'll make sure you always have cab fare home (the more advanced Romantic will even text to make sure you got in okay). So why would anyone ever give up this shining example, this man among guys? Good question. For some it's a fear of vulnerability, of suddenly wanting to open up so quickly and easily with one's emotions; others it's being caught off-guard by someone so sweet and affectionate that surely there's GOT to be a catch; a few even become so used to this treatment from their significant other that they begin to take it for granted. For me? I think it's a combination of all three--and what a potent and bitter-tasting concoction it is! So learn from my mistakes on this one, friends. If you find yourself in the company of The Romantic, cancel your online-dating subscriptions, change your Facebook status to "In A Relationship" and hold on tight because this guy is about to redefine your idea of what dating is supposed to be like, and once you've gone there, there's no going back.
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Nice Guy
Alas! It has been ages and I do apologize, you faithful (few) readers! It rather seems one of those pesky "job" things has made a return and my writing schedule has suffered for it. At least the bank account is happy! Not to worry, though, I haven't forgotten about this little corner of my life. And I certainly haven't stopped dating...
The Nice Guy
Sweetimus Tothemaximus
We've all been there--you meet a boy and he's just as adorable as can be. He's darling, funny and quick with a kind word. So what do you do? You kick his doting ass to the curb. Why? Because while you may want to put him in your pocket you don't exactly want him in your pants. After all, if you wanted cute and fuzzy you'd sleep with a teddy bear; at least they don't snore.
What to Expect:
This is the perfect guy. Only he's not. He's thiiiiiiiiis close to being the Best Thing To Walk The Earth, except there's just something about him you just can't get past. Sometimes, it's a major lack of burning sex-appeal. (Let's face it, no one wants to be pushed up against a wall and groped by The Nice Guy--he'd be too busy stopping to ask if you're okay or checking to make sure you don't get bruised should things heat up. And where's the fun in THAT?!) But more often, the problem with The Nice Guy is that he's too nice. He's the one who calls to see how your day is going, enjoys shopping with you and lets you cry on his shoulder when the recent bad-guy in your life breaks your heart (again). Only all of these things are also qualities of your best girl-friends...and your mother. Of course we all want to be with someone who is sweet and caring and respects us. But we also want a guy who will respect himself. Unfortunately The Nice Guy seems to put his own feelings and desires on hold in order to meet your every whim and demand in the hopes that you'll someday wake up and realize his dating potential; as though his compliance will somehow make him more attractive to you. He will do everything possible to make you happy, even at his own expense. The problem is, that's not sweet--that's spineless. And no one wants to date a guy who throws himself at one's feet; it too closely resembles groveling and there's nothing attractive about that. So if you find a (love)sick puppy in your life, just dying for your affection, do the both of you a favor and put him out of his misery.
The Nice Guy
Sweetimus Tothemaximus
We've all been there--you meet a boy and he's just as adorable as can be. He's darling, funny and quick with a kind word. So what do you do? You kick his doting ass to the curb. Why? Because while you may want to put him in your pocket you don't exactly want him in your pants. After all, if you wanted cute and fuzzy you'd sleep with a teddy bear; at least they don't snore.
What to Expect:
This is the perfect guy. Only he's not. He's thiiiiiiiiis close to being the Best Thing To Walk The Earth, except there's just something about him you just can't get past. Sometimes, it's a major lack of burning sex-appeal. (Let's face it, no one wants to be pushed up against a wall and groped by The Nice Guy--he'd be too busy stopping to ask if you're okay or checking to make sure you don't get bruised should things heat up. And where's the fun in THAT?!) But more often, the problem with The Nice Guy is that he's too nice. He's the one who calls to see how your day is going, enjoys shopping with you and lets you cry on his shoulder when the recent bad-guy in your life breaks your heart (again). Only all of these things are also qualities of your best girl-friends...and your mother. Of course we all want to be with someone who is sweet and caring and respects us. But we also want a guy who will respect himself. Unfortunately The Nice Guy seems to put his own feelings and desires on hold in order to meet your every whim and demand in the hopes that you'll someday wake up and realize his dating potential; as though his compliance will somehow make him more attractive to you. He will do everything possible to make you happy, even at his own expense. The problem is, that's not sweet--that's spineless. And no one wants to date a guy who throws himself at one's feet; it too closely resembles groveling and there's nothing attractive about that. So if you find a (love)sick puppy in your life, just dying for your affection, do the both of you a favor and put him out of his misery.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Comedian
Apologies all-around for the major lag-time between posts of late. Things have been a bit hectic in this girl's life! But let's cut to the chase, shall we?
Hides Behindsmileous
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you cry; you'll break a smile, he'll break your heart. The Comedian is the type of guy who will light up your life while leaving you utterly in the dark emotionally. This one is hard to spot based on appearance alone, but you'll most likely find him checking out new material at a comedy club (obviously) or holding court at a bar with his equally witty peers. Do not be surprised if you run across The Comedian at a coffee shop laughing silently to himself (or at least wearing a self-satisfied smirk) behind his ever-present lap top.
What To Expect:
The Comedian is the type of guy who makes a first date feel like a walk in the park. You'll crack up during cocktails, be amused over the amuse-bouche, split your sides while splitting the check, etc. It's easy to be quite taken by such a man, after all, who doesn't appreciate a guy who can keep the humor flowing? In such a dark and depressing world it's rather nice to let go and laugh it off. But if you continue to go on dates with The Comedian, you'll soon begin to recognize a pattern--every serious statement you make is met with a witty retort, when you ask probing questions in the effort to get to know him better he'll deflect with some ribald remark. Eventually, usually after a handful of outings, you'll begin to find yourself getting bored with all the jokes and jests. You will be aching for an adult conversation. But when you sit The Comedian down to express how you're feeling, they will most likely fall back on what they do best--using comedy as a means of avoidance. You see, The Comedian is not born, he is made. He is often the result of a boy who was teased in his youth for one reason or another. Maybe he was a bit overweight, or too scrawny or wore thick glasses. It's also possible that he didn't feel completely accepted by his family--in particular, his father, who may have out-shined him, thereby leaving rather large shoes to fill. Both situations involve a young boy with undeniably low self-esteem, who eventually turns to humor to use as a mask behind which he can always hide away from the world. Because when people are laughing with you, they're no longer laughing at you. However, The Comedian has become so adept at hiding his true self, it's incredibly difficult to break down those walls of witticisms to reach the vulnerable man on the inside. It's not impossible to get through those barriers or get him to express real emotion, but the most difficult part is getting him to stick around after this monumental event. You'll think you've made actual progress in the relationship and you may even begin to see some potential in this guy, but don't get your hopes up yet. Once he realizes how vulnerable he's allowed himself to be, he'll freak out and those walls will be right back up even higher than before and you, and your relationship, will get the hook. Just do yourself a favor and avoid any shows he may do in the near future--the last thing you want is to hear yourself used as new fodder to garner some laughs. Unless of course you're a better heckler than he is...
Hides Behindsmileous
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you cry; you'll break a smile, he'll break your heart. The Comedian is the type of guy who will light up your life while leaving you utterly in the dark emotionally. This one is hard to spot based on appearance alone, but you'll most likely find him checking out new material at a comedy club (obviously) or holding court at a bar with his equally witty peers. Do not be surprised if you run across The Comedian at a coffee shop laughing silently to himself (or at least wearing a self-satisfied smirk) behind his ever-present lap top.
What To Expect:
The Comedian is the type of guy who makes a first date feel like a walk in the park. You'll crack up during cocktails, be amused over the amuse-bouche, split your sides while splitting the check, etc. It's easy to be quite taken by such a man, after all, who doesn't appreciate a guy who can keep the humor flowing? In such a dark and depressing world it's rather nice to let go and laugh it off. But if you continue to go on dates with The Comedian, you'll soon begin to recognize a pattern--every serious statement you make is met with a witty retort, when you ask probing questions in the effort to get to know him better he'll deflect with some ribald remark. Eventually, usually after a handful of outings, you'll begin to find yourself getting bored with all the jokes and jests. You will be aching for an adult conversation. But when you sit The Comedian down to express how you're feeling, they will most likely fall back on what they do best--using comedy as a means of avoidance. You see, The Comedian is not born, he is made. He is often the result of a boy who was teased in his youth for one reason or another. Maybe he was a bit overweight, or too scrawny or wore thick glasses. It's also possible that he didn't feel completely accepted by his family--in particular, his father, who may have out-shined him, thereby leaving rather large shoes to fill. Both situations involve a young boy with undeniably low self-esteem, who eventually turns to humor to use as a mask behind which he can always hide away from the world. Because when people are laughing with you, they're no longer laughing at you. However, The Comedian has become so adept at hiding his true self, it's incredibly difficult to break down those walls of witticisms to reach the vulnerable man on the inside. It's not impossible to get through those barriers or get him to express real emotion, but the most difficult part is getting him to stick around after this monumental event. You'll think you've made actual progress in the relationship and you may even begin to see some potential in this guy, but don't get your hopes up yet. Once he realizes how vulnerable he's allowed himself to be, he'll freak out and those walls will be right back up even higher than before and you, and your relationship, will get the hook. Just do yourself a favor and avoid any shows he may do in the near future--the last thing you want is to hear yourself used as new fodder to garner some laughs. Unless of course you're a better heckler than he is...
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Foreigner
Notfromial Aroundhereus
The Foreigner is perhaps the easiest of all men to spot (aside from "The Frat Dick" and "The Hipster"--these will be forthcoming posts). You can recognize him by his slightly different style of dress, rampant bravado and most obviously, the accent. The gaggle of women hanging on his every lilting word will also be a good indicator of his presence.
What to Expect:
The Foreigner is the ultimate "love 'em and leave 'em" Lothario. When dealing with The Foreigner it's best to take all steps necessary to avoid falling into his trap. He is a man of many facets and can change himself as necessary to fit any situation. And his favorite prey? The silly American girl who loses her mind and underthings at the very sound of an accent-tinted voice. Admit it, ladies and gents, we have a reputation the world over of simply begging for it with a man who takes his tea with milk, his humor dry and his voice full of long vowels. We'll even forgo a jacked-up grill so long as its vocal strains sound nothing like ours. We think of every Brit as genius, every Aussie as an adventurous and easy-going beach bum, and every Latin gent as sex on legs. But the worst part of it is that they know it too and they will use this irrational logic to their advantage! If he suspects that playing the role of the hapless traveler lost in a big country full of strange ways, he will. This can include translating a menu, asking you to walk him to his destination because he just can't understand your directions, or hoping for a "cuddle" because he feels so lonely this far away from home. Don't be surprised if he shows you pictures of his "mum" on his phone because they're just so close. You don't happen to have an Irish linen handkerchief to dry his eyes do you? Never mind, it's not necessary because he carries his own that he actually picked up in Dublin. If need be he will take a more sophisticated approach--painting himself as the worldly traveler with a devil-may-care attitude. He's been everywhere and done everything. He'll regale you with stories of his journeys and paint pictures of his homeland. No matter that he's never held down an actual job (or relationship for that matter) because of his nomad ways, you'll begin to think that maybe you're just the girl or guy to make him finally want to put down roots. You imagine summering with his family in Europe, or lounging on a little beach in the South America that only he knows. But don't bother. Because once you welcome him into your arms or between your legs he'll be on his way to conquer the next location, lady or lad--you, my dear, are just another stamp on his passport.
The Foreigner is perhaps the easiest of all men to spot (aside from "The Frat Dick" and "The Hipster"--these will be forthcoming posts). You can recognize him by his slightly different style of dress, rampant bravado and most obviously, the accent. The gaggle of women hanging on his every lilting word will also be a good indicator of his presence.
What to Expect:
The Foreigner is the ultimate "love 'em and leave 'em" Lothario. When dealing with The Foreigner it's best to take all steps necessary to avoid falling into his trap. He is a man of many facets and can change himself as necessary to fit any situation. And his favorite prey? The silly American girl who loses her mind and underthings at the very sound of an accent-tinted voice. Admit it, ladies and gents, we have a reputation the world over of simply begging for it with a man who takes his tea with milk, his humor dry and his voice full of long vowels. We'll even forgo a jacked-up grill so long as its vocal strains sound nothing like ours. We think of every Brit as genius, every Aussie as an adventurous and easy-going beach bum, and every Latin gent as sex on legs. But the worst part of it is that they know it too and they will use this irrational logic to their advantage! If he suspects that playing the role of the hapless traveler lost in a big country full of strange ways, he will. This can include translating a menu, asking you to walk him to his destination because he just can't understand your directions, or hoping for a "cuddle" because he feels so lonely this far away from home. Don't be surprised if he shows you pictures of his "mum" on his phone because they're just so close. You don't happen to have an Irish linen handkerchief to dry his eyes do you? Never mind, it's not necessary because he carries his own that he actually picked up in Dublin. If need be he will take a more sophisticated approach--painting himself as the worldly traveler with a devil-may-care attitude. He's been everywhere and done everything. He'll regale you with stories of his journeys and paint pictures of his homeland. No matter that he's never held down an actual job (or relationship for that matter) because of his nomad ways, you'll begin to think that maybe you're just the girl or guy to make him finally want to put down roots. You imagine summering with his family in Europe, or lounging on a little beach in the South America that only he knows. But don't bother. Because once you welcome him into your arms or between your legs he'll be on his way to conquer the next location, lady or lad--you, my dear, are just another stamp on his passport.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Could it be possible?
So I think it's finally happened: I have dated the entire Bay Area.
No, seriously.
The overlap that is taking place these days is really starting to blow my boy-addled mind. Openly date one guy, then the next one who asks me out is that guy's friend whom I've never met and didn't realize even knew the first guy. On top of that, the new guy is friends with another guy who has asked me out previously. Let's not forget about the guys I've dated whom I've seen while out on dates with other guys. With over a million people in this geographic area one would think the chances might be a bit slimmer of said coincidences coming to pass, non?
So what is a single girl in the bay area to do? Start over again? This is not a vicious cycle I'd like to perpetuate!
Perhaps it's time to move...
No, seriously.
The overlap that is taking place these days is really starting to blow my boy-addled mind. Openly date one guy, then the next one who asks me out is that guy's friend whom I've never met and didn't realize even knew the first guy. On top of that, the new guy is friends with another guy who has asked me out previously. Let's not forget about the guys I've dated whom I've seen while out on dates with other guys. With over a million people in this geographic area one would think the chances might be a bit slimmer of said coincidences coming to pass, non?
So what is a single girl in the bay area to do? Start over again? This is not a vicious cycle I'd like to perpetuate!
Perhaps it's time to move...
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Millionaire
Wealthicum fatstackerus
He's locked, loaded and looking to spend--on you. Whether it's cash-money, jewelry or shopping sprees a'plenty, the Millionaire can definitely put his money where his mouth is and them some. And even if you're not impressed with bling or Bentleys, he'll find ways to work his wealth to his advantage, all in the pursuit of getting what he wants. But don't be surprised when his boardroom ways don't quite satisfy in the bedroom.
What to Expect:
If you're going to date a Millionaire, be sure to keep your bags packed and passport at the ready in the event of sudden departures. It may be a weekend at his condo on an island, or it could be something a bit more grandiose, like a summer in Belize, either way, you're going to travel and it's going to be on his dime. Expect lots of glamorous parties, dinners at the poshest of venues and gifts of couture that will make your head spin. But while you're enjoying your time in the lap of luxury, do try to keep at least one well-manicured foot on the ground (preferably while in a pair of Louboutin sling-backs). At first being treated like a queen will seem exceptionally regal, but like all monarchs before you, you'll eventually begin to realize that you're there for the people's pleasure, not your own. Dating the Millionaire requires a willingness to not only act as a trophy girl/boy, but also the ability to know your place--which is essentially at his beck and call. This man is used to getting his way, and while he's more than happy to throw around a few pounds and Euros to make it happen, it comes at a very steep price. Yes the trips will come out of nowhere, but they require you to keep your schedule free and clear. The clothes are fun, but you'll be dressing to his taste if it's coming out of his pocket. The society you keep will be determined by his black AmEx so don't expect your friends to tag along. Rest assured, this power and control dynamic doesn't cease once his wallet is bedside, either. He's a busy man, he's got important things to do, he'll have his sex when and how he wants it and if you aren't quite satisfied, well, that's really unfortunate because Tokyo's on the line. As for longevity, most of these situations don't last. You'll get tired of waiting around for him to fit you in his schedule, or he'll find a younger, sleeker model that catches his eye (and we both know I'm not talking about cars here). This jet-setting lifestyle can be fun and exciting, glamorous and star-studded, but don't forget that if you're going to embark on this first-class trip, it's going to cost you.
He's locked, loaded and looking to spend--on you. Whether it's cash-money, jewelry or shopping sprees a'plenty, the Millionaire can definitely put his money where his mouth is and them some. And even if you're not impressed with bling or Bentleys, he'll find ways to work his wealth to his advantage, all in the pursuit of getting what he wants. But don't be surprised when his boardroom ways don't quite satisfy in the bedroom.
What to Expect:
If you're going to date a Millionaire, be sure to keep your bags packed and passport at the ready in the event of sudden departures. It may be a weekend at his condo on an island, or it could be something a bit more grandiose, like a summer in Belize, either way, you're going to travel and it's going to be on his dime. Expect lots of glamorous parties, dinners at the poshest of venues and gifts of couture that will make your head spin. But while you're enjoying your time in the lap of luxury, do try to keep at least one well-manicured foot on the ground (preferably while in a pair of Louboutin sling-backs). At first being treated like a queen will seem exceptionally regal, but like all monarchs before you, you'll eventually begin to realize that you're there for the people's pleasure, not your own. Dating the Millionaire requires a willingness to not only act as a trophy girl/boy, but also the ability to know your place--which is essentially at his beck and call. This man is used to getting his way, and while he's more than happy to throw around a few pounds and Euros to make it happen, it comes at a very steep price. Yes the trips will come out of nowhere, but they require you to keep your schedule free and clear. The clothes are fun, but you'll be dressing to his taste if it's coming out of his pocket. The society you keep will be determined by his black AmEx so don't expect your friends to tag along. Rest assured, this power and control dynamic doesn't cease once his wallet is bedside, either. He's a busy man, he's got important things to do, he'll have his sex when and how he wants it and if you aren't quite satisfied, well, that's really unfortunate because Tokyo's on the line. As for longevity, most of these situations don't last. You'll get tired of waiting around for him to fit you in his schedule, or he'll find a younger, sleeker model that catches his eye (and we both know I'm not talking about cars here). This jet-setting lifestyle can be fun and exciting, glamorous and star-studded, but don't forget that if you're going to embark on this first-class trip, it's going to cost you.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Younger Man
Adorablniss Adonis
Ah, the Younger Man. He's so cute, so eager and so innocent. And, well, he's younger than you. By, you guessed it, at least 8 years. (Please refer to "The Older Man" for age reference). While the Younger Man falls anywhere from 18-on-up, it's usually men in their 20's and 30's who qualify in this category.
What to Expect:
Dating a Younger Man can be an exhilarating experience. They're fun, they're fit and they're usually eager tap whatever ass they can pull in a night. Yes, Younger Men are generally after more physically rewarding experiences than emotionally fulfilling ones. This really has to do with the fact that Younger Men tend to spend a lot of time in the ego-centric part of their brain, and like you in your bed on a Monday morning, are quite cozy dwelling in that cerebral area for as long as possible; just try to make them get out and you're in for a rather rude, and chilly, awakening. But while they often look tasty, have abs you could wash your delicates on, and have the energy to go anywhere and do anything, they don't necessarily have the experience or maturity to keep up with an older man or woman (for definition and summary of "Older Woman," please refer to the blog you have yet to write). They often don't appreciate the finer things in life, but instead will find themselves salivating over tickets to see Kobe or a sweet new rims for their ride rather than Kobe beef and a bottle of Mouton-Rothschild 1945 Red Bordeaux. Furthermore, Younger Men, while they may have a lot of energy and excitement in the sack, they just aren't that dedicated to making sure both parties have a good time. They're in it for themselves, and haven't quite reached the stage where pleasuring their partner is part of the plan. And even if they do remember that someone else is in the room, they lack the experience to really know what to do--or at least the knowledge that each person is unique and probably enjoys different things than the last person he was with. He actually thinks having a signature "move" makes him a stud, rather than just cookie-cutter. The Younger Man is just that--young. Young in body, skills and mind. So if you're going to date the Younger Man, be sure to wear protection, have low expectations and don't be surprised if he calls you from the bar late at night asking for a ride home.
Ah, the Younger Man. He's so cute, so eager and so innocent. And, well, he's younger than you. By, you guessed it, at least 8 years. (Please refer to "The Older Man" for age reference). While the Younger Man falls anywhere from 18-on-up, it's usually men in their 20's and 30's who qualify in this category.
What to Expect:
Dating a Younger Man can be an exhilarating experience. They're fun, they're fit and they're usually eager tap whatever ass they can pull in a night. Yes, Younger Men are generally after more physically rewarding experiences than emotionally fulfilling ones. This really has to do with the fact that Younger Men tend to spend a lot of time in the ego-centric part of their brain, and like you in your bed on a Monday morning, are quite cozy dwelling in that cerebral area for as long as possible; just try to make them get out and you're in for a rather rude, and chilly, awakening. But while they often look tasty, have abs you could wash your delicates on, and have the energy to go anywhere and do anything, they don't necessarily have the experience or maturity to keep up with an older man or woman (for definition and summary of "Older Woman," please refer to the blog you have yet to write). They often don't appreciate the finer things in life, but instead will find themselves salivating over tickets to see Kobe or a sweet new rims for their ride rather than Kobe beef and a bottle of Mouton-Rothschild 1945 Red Bordeaux. Furthermore, Younger Men, while they may have a lot of energy and excitement in the sack, they just aren't that dedicated to making sure both parties have a good time. They're in it for themselves, and haven't quite reached the stage where pleasuring their partner is part of the plan. And even if they do remember that someone else is in the room, they lack the experience to really know what to do--or at least the knowledge that each person is unique and probably enjoys different things than the last person he was with. He actually thinks having a signature "move" makes him a stud, rather than just cookie-cutter. The Younger Man is just that--young. Young in body, skills and mind. So if you're going to date the Younger Man, be sure to wear protection, have low expectations and don't be surprised if he calls you from the bar late at night asking for a ride home.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Older Man
"The Older Man"
--noun
1. a man with whom you are intimately related who is at least eight (8) years older than you.
2. an alluring man of means who provides for his romantic and/or sexual or interest.
3. a potential catch
The older man is exactly what he sounds like--a man you date who is older than you. Not just by a year, or three, but by at least 8 years. Why 8? Because that's twice the time you spent in college. And if you recall how long that time felt, you know that's saying something.
What to expect from The Older Man:
The Older Man is a desirable date because he has theoretically established himself in the world. He isn't interested in playing silly dating games--he knows what he wants and he doesn't beat about the bush (or waxed personal area) to get it. He is straight-forward, opinionated (and has taken time to truly think out his opinions), usually well-educated, sophisticated and, let's face it, has some foldable money handy. For some women this will be enough. They enjoy the class and feeling of being treated while out with an Older Man. Plus it's a great trick to avoiding meeting the parents--because his are probably already dead or verging on senile. But the Older Man is not without his drawbacks. They come from a difference frame of reference than you--so your joke about trying to hook up your Jem doll with Ken behind Barbie's back may fall a bit flat. Conversation may not come as easily when you have to stop to explain the newest technological advances, like Twitter, Ning and what an iPad is really for. Furthermore, some Older Men seek out women of lesser age merely for the thrill of having a beautiful, lithe young lady on their arm. If you don't mind being relegated to this status, go for it. Have some fun, enjoy the experience, just don't be surprised when they fall asleep early or don't last quite as long as the younger boys you've been passing up. So either make friends with a little blue pill, or make for the door.
--noun
1. a man with whom you are intimately related who is at least eight (8) years older than you.
2. an alluring man of means who provides for his romantic and/or sexual or interest.
3. a potential catch
The older man is exactly what he sounds like--a man you date who is older than you. Not just by a year, or three, but by at least 8 years. Why 8? Because that's twice the time you spent in college. And if you recall how long that time felt, you know that's saying something.
What to expect from The Older Man:
The Older Man is a desirable date because he has theoretically established himself in the world. He isn't interested in playing silly dating games--he knows what he wants and he doesn't beat about the bush (or waxed personal area) to get it. He is straight-forward, opinionated (and has taken time to truly think out his opinions), usually well-educated, sophisticated and, let's face it, has some foldable money handy. For some women this will be enough. They enjoy the class and feeling of being treated while out with an Older Man. Plus it's a great trick to avoiding meeting the parents--because his are probably already dead or verging on senile. But the Older Man is not without his drawbacks. They come from a difference frame of reference than you--so your joke about trying to hook up your Jem doll with Ken behind Barbie's back may fall a bit flat. Conversation may not come as easily when you have to stop to explain the newest technological advances, like Twitter, Ning and what an iPad is really for. Furthermore, some Older Men seek out women of lesser age merely for the thrill of having a beautiful, lithe young lady on their arm. If you don't mind being relegated to this status, go for it. Have some fun, enjoy the experience, just don't be surprised when they fall asleep early or don't last quite as long as the younger boys you've been passing up. So either make friends with a little blue pill, or make for the door.
Rules for Reading:
1) I am well-aware that what I am writing can be boiled down to gross generalizations. Some more gross than others, depends on the guy.
2) No man will ever fit into only one category. Unless of course he is an archetype. If that's the case you should put your book down and go look for men based in reality, not in the pages of fiction. After all, who wants just "The Prince" when he could be an amalgam of "The Prince," "The Jester," "The Handyman" and "The Academic"?
3) All names have been changed to avoid any possibility of legal action by the unwilling volunteers who made this blog possible.
4) Just because I love men doesn't mean I'm not a card-carrying feminist and damn proud of it. Yes, you can be a feminist and love men. Hell, you can be all for bringing down the patriarchy and still come home to a lovely romp with your partner.
5) Please join the dialogue--post comments, engage in discussions, snark about and get lively, but please be kind to each other (except trolls).
2) No man will ever fit into only one category. Unless of course he is an archetype. If that's the case you should put your book down and go look for men based in reality, not in the pages of fiction. After all, who wants just "The Prince" when he could be an amalgam of "The Prince," "The Jester," "The Handyman" and "The Academic"?
3) All names have been changed to avoid any possibility of legal action by the unwilling volunteers who made this blog possible.
4) Just because I love men doesn't mean I'm not a card-carrying feminist and damn proud of it. Yes, you can be a feminist and love men. Hell, you can be all for bringing down the patriarchy and still come home to a lovely romp with your partner.
5) Please join the dialogue--post comments, engage in discussions, snark about and get lively, but please be kind to each other (except trolls).
Catching up
My first boyfriend and I slept together the first time we met. It happened between recess and the obligatory cookies and juice hour. We were 5. His name was David, he had blonde hair and we held hands. That's all I remember of him. Next came Billy, a shy, handsome boy with a spray of freckles across his nose. I adored him. On the playground I kissed his cheek and he kicked my shin. It was that moment I realized that while beautiful and fascinating, men could also be hurtful and dangerous. Keep one eye open for danger and the other watching for the new boy to come along. I was hooked by the opposite sex. Over time I developed a love for men that has spanned decades, never waxing or waning, even during my stereotypical experimental college years.
In my early teens I became what was affectionately termed "boy crazy." I didn't mind. Sure there were other interests, and I often reveled in being the pet of many teachers, but my attention always turned back to the boy with the mop of brown hair in the first row, or the tall lanky one brooding in the corner. It was during this time that I began to realize my allure to them as well. They'd carry my books between classes. Write poems on wide-rule notepaper. Call, hang up, then call back immediately.
But while I rejoiced in their adoration, I always kept my distance. Many of my close friends were boys--a breath of fresh air from all the talk of make-up, hair styles and, well, boys that permeated the minds of so many girls in my classes. I didn't want to admire them from afar, I wanted to be near them, talk with them, understand them.
As I matured (as only teenagers can), I began to tire of the boys that had been surrounding me for the last while. Most of them enjoyed the same things, didn't care about college, and wasted their time celebrating "the best years of their lives" in high-school. What was a reasonably attractive girl to do? Like others before me, I set out on a quest to meet the highly-desired "older man." And so I did. I was 18, he was 27. He was wealthy, well-read and liked having a pretty girl on his arm as we wandered the near-by city. He wined me, dined me and made me feel like a star. I never asked for anything, had money to pay my own way, yet he wanted only to pamper his young love. He was my first sugar daddy. Though it eventually became clear I wasn't the only girl in whom he was investing. Scoundrel. Oh I'm not opposed to dating several people at once, far from it, but lie to me and you're as good as dead in my book. (Turns out he later became an art thief and is now in the custody of the FBI. Go figure).
College was a series of ups and downs, loves and losses. Towards the end of my academic tenure one relationship did rise above the rest, and lasted for what amounted to nearly seven years until it died the death of the dull. That was when I ventured into the then-new world of online dating.
Online dating is something I enjoy and am not ashamed of in the least. In fact, if a man makes reference to his willingness to "lie about how we met" in his profile I will simply skip to the next. I receive upwards of ten emails a day from interested suitors, and enough winks to keep an optometrist in pleated khakis for life.
After what seemed like my 736th first-date, I began to realize that there was a pattern emerging amongst all of the various men with whom I'd shared countless martinis, coffees and risottos. I had made the conscious effort to not continually date the same type of guy over and over again, and yet other types kept making themselves known. It was after this *ahem* careful analysis that the idea for this blog was born.
In my early teens I became what was affectionately termed "boy crazy." I didn't mind. Sure there were other interests, and I often reveled in being the pet of many teachers, but my attention always turned back to the boy with the mop of brown hair in the first row, or the tall lanky one brooding in the corner. It was during this time that I began to realize my allure to them as well. They'd carry my books between classes. Write poems on wide-rule notepaper. Call, hang up, then call back immediately.
But while I rejoiced in their adoration, I always kept my distance. Many of my close friends were boys--a breath of fresh air from all the talk of make-up, hair styles and, well, boys that permeated the minds of so many girls in my classes. I didn't want to admire them from afar, I wanted to be near them, talk with them, understand them.
As I matured (as only teenagers can), I began to tire of the boys that had been surrounding me for the last while. Most of them enjoyed the same things, didn't care about college, and wasted their time celebrating "the best years of their lives" in high-school. What was a reasonably attractive girl to do? Like others before me, I set out on a quest to meet the highly-desired "older man." And so I did. I was 18, he was 27. He was wealthy, well-read and liked having a pretty girl on his arm as we wandered the near-by city. He wined me, dined me and made me feel like a star. I never asked for anything, had money to pay my own way, yet he wanted only to pamper his young love. He was my first sugar daddy. Though it eventually became clear I wasn't the only girl in whom he was investing. Scoundrel. Oh I'm not opposed to dating several people at once, far from it, but lie to me and you're as good as dead in my book. (Turns out he later became an art thief and is now in the custody of the FBI. Go figure).
College was a series of ups and downs, loves and losses. Towards the end of my academic tenure one relationship did rise above the rest, and lasted for what amounted to nearly seven years until it died the death of the dull. That was when I ventured into the then-new world of online dating.
Online dating is something I enjoy and am not ashamed of in the least. In fact, if a man makes reference to his willingness to "lie about how we met" in his profile I will simply skip to the next. I receive upwards of ten emails a day from interested suitors, and enough winks to keep an optometrist in pleated khakis for life.
After what seemed like my 736th first-date, I began to realize that there was a pattern emerging amongst all of the various men with whom I'd shared countless martinis, coffees and risottos. I had made the conscious effort to not continually date the same type of guy over and over again, and yet other types kept making themselves known. It was after this *ahem* careful analysis that the idea for this blog was born.
And so it begins...
For years I've been thinking about writing a book, article, flow-chart or some other such nonsense about the world of dating. What makes me so qualified to write on this subject? Simply this: I am a chronic dater. I know what to look for, what to avoid, and what to expect. I've been on enough dates that I can recognize the type of man I'm with even when he doesn't know himself that well. Maybe it's a sixth-sense. Maybe I'm really good at reading people. All I know is that I've literally dated every "type" of guy out there and I am going to use this blog as a way to bring my experiences to the rest of the world. Perhaps someone will read it and better understand how to handle his or her man, or there's always the chance that no one will come lurking. Either way, I'm doing something I set out to do a long time ago and I welcome everyone and anyone along for the ride. Will this be chock-a-block full of snark and generalities? But of course. I'm well aware that every man is an individual and unique--but that doesn't mean he doesn't fit into a type of set of types. At least not in my experiences.
So join me now, as we embark on a voyage to further our knowledge of all those fish in the sea...
So join me now, as we embark on a voyage to further our knowledge of all those fish in the sea...
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