Notfromial Aroundhereus
The Foreigner is perhaps the easiest of all men to spot (aside from "The Frat Dick" and "The Hipster"--these will be forthcoming posts). You can recognize him by his slightly different style of dress, rampant bravado and most obviously, the accent. The gaggle of women hanging on his every lilting word will also be a good indicator of his presence.
What to Expect:
The Foreigner is the ultimate "love 'em and leave 'em" Lothario. When dealing with The Foreigner it's best to take all steps necessary to avoid falling into his trap. He is a man of many facets and can change himself as necessary to fit any situation. And his favorite prey? The silly American girl who loses her mind and underthings at the very sound of an accent-tinted voice. Admit it, ladies and gents, we have a reputation the world over of simply begging for it with a man who takes his tea with milk, his humor dry and his voice full of long vowels. We'll even forgo a jacked-up grill so long as its vocal strains sound nothing like ours. We think of every Brit as genius, every Aussie as an adventurous and easy-going beach bum, and every Latin gent as sex on legs. But the worst part of it is that they know it too and they will use this irrational logic to their advantage! If he suspects that playing the role of the hapless traveler lost in a big country full of strange ways, he will. This can include translating a menu, asking you to walk him to his destination because he just can't understand your directions, or hoping for a "cuddle" because he feels so lonely this far away from home. Don't be surprised if he shows you pictures of his "mum" on his phone because they're just so close. You don't happen to have an Irish linen handkerchief to dry his eyes do you? Never mind, it's not necessary because he carries his own that he actually picked up in Dublin. If need be he will take a more sophisticated approach--painting himself as the worldly traveler with a devil-may-care attitude. He's been everywhere and done everything. He'll regale you with stories of his journeys and paint pictures of his homeland. No matter that he's never held down an actual job (or relationship for that matter) because of his nomad ways, you'll begin to think that maybe you're just the girl or guy to make him finally want to put down roots. You imagine summering with his family in Europe, or lounging on a little beach in the South America that only he knows. But don't bother. Because once you welcome him into your arms or between your legs he'll be on his way to conquer the next location, lady or lad--you, my dear, are just another stamp on his passport.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Could it be possible?
So I think it's finally happened: I have dated the entire Bay Area.
No, seriously.
The overlap that is taking place these days is really starting to blow my boy-addled mind. Openly date one guy, then the next one who asks me out is that guy's friend whom I've never met and didn't realize even knew the first guy. On top of that, the new guy is friends with another guy who has asked me out previously. Let's not forget about the guys I've dated whom I've seen while out on dates with other guys. With over a million people in this geographic area one would think the chances might be a bit slimmer of said coincidences coming to pass, non?
So what is a single girl in the bay area to do? Start over again? This is not a vicious cycle I'd like to perpetuate!
Perhaps it's time to move...
No, seriously.
The overlap that is taking place these days is really starting to blow my boy-addled mind. Openly date one guy, then the next one who asks me out is that guy's friend whom I've never met and didn't realize even knew the first guy. On top of that, the new guy is friends with another guy who has asked me out previously. Let's not forget about the guys I've dated whom I've seen while out on dates with other guys. With over a million people in this geographic area one would think the chances might be a bit slimmer of said coincidences coming to pass, non?
So what is a single girl in the bay area to do? Start over again? This is not a vicious cycle I'd like to perpetuate!
Perhaps it's time to move...
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Millionaire
Wealthicum fatstackerus
He's locked, loaded and looking to spend--on you. Whether it's cash-money, jewelry or shopping sprees a'plenty, the Millionaire can definitely put his money where his mouth is and them some. And even if you're not impressed with bling or Bentleys, he'll find ways to work his wealth to his advantage, all in the pursuit of getting what he wants. But don't be surprised when his boardroom ways don't quite satisfy in the bedroom.
What to Expect:
If you're going to date a Millionaire, be sure to keep your bags packed and passport at the ready in the event of sudden departures. It may be a weekend at his condo on an island, or it could be something a bit more grandiose, like a summer in Belize, either way, you're going to travel and it's going to be on his dime. Expect lots of glamorous parties, dinners at the poshest of venues and gifts of couture that will make your head spin. But while you're enjoying your time in the lap of luxury, do try to keep at least one well-manicured foot on the ground (preferably while in a pair of Louboutin sling-backs). At first being treated like a queen will seem exceptionally regal, but like all monarchs before you, you'll eventually begin to realize that you're there for the people's pleasure, not your own. Dating the Millionaire requires a willingness to not only act as a trophy girl/boy, but also the ability to know your place--which is essentially at his beck and call. This man is used to getting his way, and while he's more than happy to throw around a few pounds and Euros to make it happen, it comes at a very steep price. Yes the trips will come out of nowhere, but they require you to keep your schedule free and clear. The clothes are fun, but you'll be dressing to his taste if it's coming out of his pocket. The society you keep will be determined by his black AmEx so don't expect your friends to tag along. Rest assured, this power and control dynamic doesn't cease once his wallet is bedside, either. He's a busy man, he's got important things to do, he'll have his sex when and how he wants it and if you aren't quite satisfied, well, that's really unfortunate because Tokyo's on the line. As for longevity, most of these situations don't last. You'll get tired of waiting around for him to fit you in his schedule, or he'll find a younger, sleeker model that catches his eye (and we both know I'm not talking about cars here). This jet-setting lifestyle can be fun and exciting, glamorous and star-studded, but don't forget that if you're going to embark on this first-class trip, it's going to cost you.
He's locked, loaded and looking to spend--on you. Whether it's cash-money, jewelry or shopping sprees a'plenty, the Millionaire can definitely put his money where his mouth is and them some. And even if you're not impressed with bling or Bentleys, he'll find ways to work his wealth to his advantage, all in the pursuit of getting what he wants. But don't be surprised when his boardroom ways don't quite satisfy in the bedroom.
What to Expect:
If you're going to date a Millionaire, be sure to keep your bags packed and passport at the ready in the event of sudden departures. It may be a weekend at his condo on an island, or it could be something a bit more grandiose, like a summer in Belize, either way, you're going to travel and it's going to be on his dime. Expect lots of glamorous parties, dinners at the poshest of venues and gifts of couture that will make your head spin. But while you're enjoying your time in the lap of luxury, do try to keep at least one well-manicured foot on the ground (preferably while in a pair of Louboutin sling-backs). At first being treated like a queen will seem exceptionally regal, but like all monarchs before you, you'll eventually begin to realize that you're there for the people's pleasure, not your own. Dating the Millionaire requires a willingness to not only act as a trophy girl/boy, but also the ability to know your place--which is essentially at his beck and call. This man is used to getting his way, and while he's more than happy to throw around a few pounds and Euros to make it happen, it comes at a very steep price. Yes the trips will come out of nowhere, but they require you to keep your schedule free and clear. The clothes are fun, but you'll be dressing to his taste if it's coming out of his pocket. The society you keep will be determined by his black AmEx so don't expect your friends to tag along. Rest assured, this power and control dynamic doesn't cease once his wallet is bedside, either. He's a busy man, he's got important things to do, he'll have his sex when and how he wants it and if you aren't quite satisfied, well, that's really unfortunate because Tokyo's on the line. As for longevity, most of these situations don't last. You'll get tired of waiting around for him to fit you in his schedule, or he'll find a younger, sleeker model that catches his eye (and we both know I'm not talking about cars here). This jet-setting lifestyle can be fun and exciting, glamorous and star-studded, but don't forget that if you're going to embark on this first-class trip, it's going to cost you.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Younger Man
Adorablniss Adonis
Ah, the Younger Man. He's so cute, so eager and so innocent. And, well, he's younger than you. By, you guessed it, at least 8 years. (Please refer to "The Older Man" for age reference). While the Younger Man falls anywhere from 18-on-up, it's usually men in their 20's and 30's who qualify in this category.
What to Expect:
Dating a Younger Man can be an exhilarating experience. They're fun, they're fit and they're usually eager tap whatever ass they can pull in a night. Yes, Younger Men are generally after more physically rewarding experiences than emotionally fulfilling ones. This really has to do with the fact that Younger Men tend to spend a lot of time in the ego-centric part of their brain, and like you in your bed on a Monday morning, are quite cozy dwelling in that cerebral area for as long as possible; just try to make them get out and you're in for a rather rude, and chilly, awakening. But while they often look tasty, have abs you could wash your delicates on, and have the energy to go anywhere and do anything, they don't necessarily have the experience or maturity to keep up with an older man or woman (for definition and summary of "Older Woman," please refer to the blog you have yet to write). They often don't appreciate the finer things in life, but instead will find themselves salivating over tickets to see Kobe or a sweet new rims for their ride rather than Kobe beef and a bottle of Mouton-Rothschild 1945 Red Bordeaux. Furthermore, Younger Men, while they may have a lot of energy and excitement in the sack, they just aren't that dedicated to making sure both parties have a good time. They're in it for themselves, and haven't quite reached the stage where pleasuring their partner is part of the plan. And even if they do remember that someone else is in the room, they lack the experience to really know what to do--or at least the knowledge that each person is unique and probably enjoys different things than the last person he was with. He actually thinks having a signature "move" makes him a stud, rather than just cookie-cutter. The Younger Man is just that--young. Young in body, skills and mind. So if you're going to date the Younger Man, be sure to wear protection, have low expectations and don't be surprised if he calls you from the bar late at night asking for a ride home.
Ah, the Younger Man. He's so cute, so eager and so innocent. And, well, he's younger than you. By, you guessed it, at least 8 years. (Please refer to "The Older Man" for age reference). While the Younger Man falls anywhere from 18-on-up, it's usually men in their 20's and 30's who qualify in this category.
What to Expect:
Dating a Younger Man can be an exhilarating experience. They're fun, they're fit and they're usually eager tap whatever ass they can pull in a night. Yes, Younger Men are generally after more physically rewarding experiences than emotionally fulfilling ones. This really has to do with the fact that Younger Men tend to spend a lot of time in the ego-centric part of their brain, and like you in your bed on a Monday morning, are quite cozy dwelling in that cerebral area for as long as possible; just try to make them get out and you're in for a rather rude, and chilly, awakening. But while they often look tasty, have abs you could wash your delicates on, and have the energy to go anywhere and do anything, they don't necessarily have the experience or maturity to keep up with an older man or woman (for definition and summary of "Older Woman," please refer to the blog you have yet to write). They often don't appreciate the finer things in life, but instead will find themselves salivating over tickets to see Kobe or a sweet new rims for their ride rather than Kobe beef and a bottle of Mouton-Rothschild 1945 Red Bordeaux. Furthermore, Younger Men, while they may have a lot of energy and excitement in the sack, they just aren't that dedicated to making sure both parties have a good time. They're in it for themselves, and haven't quite reached the stage where pleasuring their partner is part of the plan. And even if they do remember that someone else is in the room, they lack the experience to really know what to do--or at least the knowledge that each person is unique and probably enjoys different things than the last person he was with. He actually thinks having a signature "move" makes him a stud, rather than just cookie-cutter. The Younger Man is just that--young. Young in body, skills and mind. So if you're going to date the Younger Man, be sure to wear protection, have low expectations and don't be surprised if he calls you from the bar late at night asking for a ride home.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Older Man
"The Older Man"
--noun
1. a man with whom you are intimately related who is at least eight (8) years older than you.
2. an alluring man of means who provides for his romantic and/or sexual or interest.
3. a potential catch
The older man is exactly what he sounds like--a man you date who is older than you. Not just by a year, or three, but by at least 8 years. Why 8? Because that's twice the time you spent in college. And if you recall how long that time felt, you know that's saying something.
What to expect from The Older Man:
The Older Man is a desirable date because he has theoretically established himself in the world. He isn't interested in playing silly dating games--he knows what he wants and he doesn't beat about the bush (or waxed personal area) to get it. He is straight-forward, opinionated (and has taken time to truly think out his opinions), usually well-educated, sophisticated and, let's face it, has some foldable money handy. For some women this will be enough. They enjoy the class and feeling of being treated while out with an Older Man. Plus it's a great trick to avoiding meeting the parents--because his are probably already dead or verging on senile. But the Older Man is not without his drawbacks. They come from a difference frame of reference than you--so your joke about trying to hook up your Jem doll with Ken behind Barbie's back may fall a bit flat. Conversation may not come as easily when you have to stop to explain the newest technological advances, like Twitter, Ning and what an iPad is really for. Furthermore, some Older Men seek out women of lesser age merely for the thrill of having a beautiful, lithe young lady on their arm. If you don't mind being relegated to this status, go for it. Have some fun, enjoy the experience, just don't be surprised when they fall asleep early or don't last quite as long as the younger boys you've been passing up. So either make friends with a little blue pill, or make for the door.
--noun
1. a man with whom you are intimately related who is at least eight (8) years older than you.
2. an alluring man of means who provides for his romantic and/or sexual or interest.
3. a potential catch
The older man is exactly what he sounds like--a man you date who is older than you. Not just by a year, or three, but by at least 8 years. Why 8? Because that's twice the time you spent in college. And if you recall how long that time felt, you know that's saying something.
What to expect from The Older Man:
The Older Man is a desirable date because he has theoretically established himself in the world. He isn't interested in playing silly dating games--he knows what he wants and he doesn't beat about the bush (or waxed personal area) to get it. He is straight-forward, opinionated (and has taken time to truly think out his opinions), usually well-educated, sophisticated and, let's face it, has some foldable money handy. For some women this will be enough. They enjoy the class and feeling of being treated while out with an Older Man. Plus it's a great trick to avoiding meeting the parents--because his are probably already dead or verging on senile. But the Older Man is not without his drawbacks. They come from a difference frame of reference than you--so your joke about trying to hook up your Jem doll with Ken behind Barbie's back may fall a bit flat. Conversation may not come as easily when you have to stop to explain the newest technological advances, like Twitter, Ning and what an iPad is really for. Furthermore, some Older Men seek out women of lesser age merely for the thrill of having a beautiful, lithe young lady on their arm. If you don't mind being relegated to this status, go for it. Have some fun, enjoy the experience, just don't be surprised when they fall asleep early or don't last quite as long as the younger boys you've been passing up. So either make friends with a little blue pill, or make for the door.
Rules for Reading:
1) I am well-aware that what I am writing can be boiled down to gross generalizations. Some more gross than others, depends on the guy.
2) No man will ever fit into only one category. Unless of course he is an archetype. If that's the case you should put your book down and go look for men based in reality, not in the pages of fiction. After all, who wants just "The Prince" when he could be an amalgam of "The Prince," "The Jester," "The Handyman" and "The Academic"?
3) All names have been changed to avoid any possibility of legal action by the unwilling volunteers who made this blog possible.
4) Just because I love men doesn't mean I'm not a card-carrying feminist and damn proud of it. Yes, you can be a feminist and love men. Hell, you can be all for bringing down the patriarchy and still come home to a lovely romp with your partner.
5) Please join the dialogue--post comments, engage in discussions, snark about and get lively, but please be kind to each other (except trolls).
2) No man will ever fit into only one category. Unless of course he is an archetype. If that's the case you should put your book down and go look for men based in reality, not in the pages of fiction. After all, who wants just "The Prince" when he could be an amalgam of "The Prince," "The Jester," "The Handyman" and "The Academic"?
3) All names have been changed to avoid any possibility of legal action by the unwilling volunteers who made this blog possible.
4) Just because I love men doesn't mean I'm not a card-carrying feminist and damn proud of it. Yes, you can be a feminist and love men. Hell, you can be all for bringing down the patriarchy and still come home to a lovely romp with your partner.
5) Please join the dialogue--post comments, engage in discussions, snark about and get lively, but please be kind to each other (except trolls).
Catching up
My first boyfriend and I slept together the first time we met. It happened between recess and the obligatory cookies and juice hour. We were 5. His name was David, he had blonde hair and we held hands. That's all I remember of him. Next came Billy, a shy, handsome boy with a spray of freckles across his nose. I adored him. On the playground I kissed his cheek and he kicked my shin. It was that moment I realized that while beautiful and fascinating, men could also be hurtful and dangerous. Keep one eye open for danger and the other watching for the new boy to come along. I was hooked by the opposite sex. Over time I developed a love for men that has spanned decades, never waxing or waning, even during my stereotypical experimental college years.
In my early teens I became what was affectionately termed "boy crazy." I didn't mind. Sure there were other interests, and I often reveled in being the pet of many teachers, but my attention always turned back to the boy with the mop of brown hair in the first row, or the tall lanky one brooding in the corner. It was during this time that I began to realize my allure to them as well. They'd carry my books between classes. Write poems on wide-rule notepaper. Call, hang up, then call back immediately.
But while I rejoiced in their adoration, I always kept my distance. Many of my close friends were boys--a breath of fresh air from all the talk of make-up, hair styles and, well, boys that permeated the minds of so many girls in my classes. I didn't want to admire them from afar, I wanted to be near them, talk with them, understand them.
As I matured (as only teenagers can), I began to tire of the boys that had been surrounding me for the last while. Most of them enjoyed the same things, didn't care about college, and wasted their time celebrating "the best years of their lives" in high-school. What was a reasonably attractive girl to do? Like others before me, I set out on a quest to meet the highly-desired "older man." And so I did. I was 18, he was 27. He was wealthy, well-read and liked having a pretty girl on his arm as we wandered the near-by city. He wined me, dined me and made me feel like a star. I never asked for anything, had money to pay my own way, yet he wanted only to pamper his young love. He was my first sugar daddy. Though it eventually became clear I wasn't the only girl in whom he was investing. Scoundrel. Oh I'm not opposed to dating several people at once, far from it, but lie to me and you're as good as dead in my book. (Turns out he later became an art thief and is now in the custody of the FBI. Go figure).
College was a series of ups and downs, loves and losses. Towards the end of my academic tenure one relationship did rise above the rest, and lasted for what amounted to nearly seven years until it died the death of the dull. That was when I ventured into the then-new world of online dating.
Online dating is something I enjoy and am not ashamed of in the least. In fact, if a man makes reference to his willingness to "lie about how we met" in his profile I will simply skip to the next. I receive upwards of ten emails a day from interested suitors, and enough winks to keep an optometrist in pleated khakis for life.
After what seemed like my 736th first-date, I began to realize that there was a pattern emerging amongst all of the various men with whom I'd shared countless martinis, coffees and risottos. I had made the conscious effort to not continually date the same type of guy over and over again, and yet other types kept making themselves known. It was after this *ahem* careful analysis that the idea for this blog was born.
In my early teens I became what was affectionately termed "boy crazy." I didn't mind. Sure there were other interests, and I often reveled in being the pet of many teachers, but my attention always turned back to the boy with the mop of brown hair in the first row, or the tall lanky one brooding in the corner. It was during this time that I began to realize my allure to them as well. They'd carry my books between classes. Write poems on wide-rule notepaper. Call, hang up, then call back immediately.
But while I rejoiced in their adoration, I always kept my distance. Many of my close friends were boys--a breath of fresh air from all the talk of make-up, hair styles and, well, boys that permeated the minds of so many girls in my classes. I didn't want to admire them from afar, I wanted to be near them, talk with them, understand them.
As I matured (as only teenagers can), I began to tire of the boys that had been surrounding me for the last while. Most of them enjoyed the same things, didn't care about college, and wasted their time celebrating "the best years of their lives" in high-school. What was a reasonably attractive girl to do? Like others before me, I set out on a quest to meet the highly-desired "older man." And so I did. I was 18, he was 27. He was wealthy, well-read and liked having a pretty girl on his arm as we wandered the near-by city. He wined me, dined me and made me feel like a star. I never asked for anything, had money to pay my own way, yet he wanted only to pamper his young love. He was my first sugar daddy. Though it eventually became clear I wasn't the only girl in whom he was investing. Scoundrel. Oh I'm not opposed to dating several people at once, far from it, but lie to me and you're as good as dead in my book. (Turns out he later became an art thief and is now in the custody of the FBI. Go figure).
College was a series of ups and downs, loves and losses. Towards the end of my academic tenure one relationship did rise above the rest, and lasted for what amounted to nearly seven years until it died the death of the dull. That was when I ventured into the then-new world of online dating.
Online dating is something I enjoy and am not ashamed of in the least. In fact, if a man makes reference to his willingness to "lie about how we met" in his profile I will simply skip to the next. I receive upwards of ten emails a day from interested suitors, and enough winks to keep an optometrist in pleated khakis for life.
After what seemed like my 736th first-date, I began to realize that there was a pattern emerging amongst all of the various men with whom I'd shared countless martinis, coffees and risottos. I had made the conscious effort to not continually date the same type of guy over and over again, and yet other types kept making themselves known. It was after this *ahem* careful analysis that the idea for this blog was born.
And so it begins...
For years I've been thinking about writing a book, article, flow-chart or some other such nonsense about the world of dating. What makes me so qualified to write on this subject? Simply this: I am a chronic dater. I know what to look for, what to avoid, and what to expect. I've been on enough dates that I can recognize the type of man I'm with even when he doesn't know himself that well. Maybe it's a sixth-sense. Maybe I'm really good at reading people. All I know is that I've literally dated every "type" of guy out there and I am going to use this blog as a way to bring my experiences to the rest of the world. Perhaps someone will read it and better understand how to handle his or her man, or there's always the chance that no one will come lurking. Either way, I'm doing something I set out to do a long time ago and I welcome everyone and anyone along for the ride. Will this be chock-a-block full of snark and generalities? But of course. I'm well aware that every man is an individual and unique--but that doesn't mean he doesn't fit into a type of set of types. At least not in my experiences.
So join me now, as we embark on a voyage to further our knowledge of all those fish in the sea...
So join me now, as we embark on a voyage to further our knowledge of all those fish in the sea...
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